Breathe… Slow Down…. Listen… My mantra for 2012.
Three things I have not been doing for awhile–the listening probably longer than the rest since I seem to have a problem doing that; but hey I’m working on it. Anyway, its been two years since I last posted. I’ve had no time to muse and that does not make for a complete vegan bakeress. Honestly, I haven’t felt whole in a while; just overworked and tired. And let me just tell you that opening a cafe on my own with little money and a small child to raise alone wasn’t one of my better ideas. I’ve got battle scars both on my arms and in my heart from Sugar Plum. I seem to have this love/hate relationship with my cafe like a boy you just can’t get rid of because you love him so much, but he just continuously knocks you down and makes you cry.”He’s the one,” I say. “This is my path…” Am I a glutton for punishment? Can I not even have a stable and healthy relationship with the cafe I created? My abused little girl self would think so. As strong as I am that wavering hurt child inside can really take over if you let it–and she’s been for the past two years. I’ve made poor decisions, trusted the wrong people and brought myself to the point where I teeter-totter every month on whether to keep the place open. It has to stop!
I was born the year of the Dragon–the Lunar year we are about to enter and I can already feel its effects. My energy feels different, more calm and open. I see that as much passion as I have it hasn’t been used wisely. My fire inside has been burning me, but purifying me at the same time. Getting me ready for this moment.
Closing my eyes and focusing on my inhale and exhale. Releasing the fear, pain, frustration inside. Taking in love, patience and more love.
I am not a machine. I need a break. I deserve a break. Don’t want to miss the beauty of my son as he grows and learns. Ready to savor and truly enjoy the amazing love I found.
Strength is building and I am nurturing my creative side rather than just pushing it to its limits. I’ve recognized my weaknesses and have asked for help. I need help. I will listen. Not just to those around me that I know I can trust but to the universe as it whispers sweet nothings in my ear about abundance.
I can not continue to let the past rule me. It’s time to embrace the goddess that lives inside itching to escape and release her shakti energy. My dragon is rising like the Kundalini serpent we all hold inside. I am the only person that can heal myself. I feel it. It makes me smile.
I’ve vowed to do no harm to all earthlings, including myself.